Chapter 1: The Struggles of Living with an Eating Disorder

Navigating life with an eating disorder can be profoundly challenging. The internal conflict and the feelings of inadequacy often feel overwhelming.

I regret the years filled with hatred and disdain towards you. I would never treat anyone else the way I have treated you!

I scrutinize every part of you constantly, with an unyielding sense of mistrust. After all, you gained 50 pounds, and that betrayal has etched itself deeply in my mind. In those years of weight gain, I felt like a captive, nearly crushed under the emotional burden of those extra pounds. In an attempt to regain control, I resorted to purging, which I now recognize as my entry into Bulimia and A-Typical Anorexia.

While I eventually shed those 50 pounds, I remain hesitant to trust you again to maintain a healthy weight. Thus, I continue to observe, criticize, and mock every inch of you. I regret never easing up on my scrutiny, but I feel it’s a direct consequence of your past actions.

Despite the pain, you've also enabled me to experience many beautiful moments—carrying my three children, dancing, laughing, and embracing those I cherish. Yet, those positives cannot erase the feelings of betrayal I associate with you.

I constantly anticipate the moment you might regain that weight, leading me to resist food and convince myself that I'm not hungry.

Now, I find myself at a critical juncture. Should I persist in my constant monitoring, or can I begin to ease my grip on control? Will you let me down if I relax, even momentarily?

I fear your betrayal, yet I also dread the toll that constant vigilance is taking on my mental and physical health. If I neglect to nourish you, I risk deteriorating to the point of collapse.

So, where do I go from here? What path should I choose?

I am in the process of learning how to release some of that control. While I haven't fully arrived at this place yet, I am making progress. Please stay with me a little longer; I believe we can move past this struggle and start to embrace life together.