Chapter 1: The Cycle of Forgiveness

Forgiving you has become a burden I carry, and it fills me with self-loathing. You have repeatedly caused me pain, and yet I find myself saying, "It's alright." But deep down, I know it isn't.

This cycle of forgiveness weighs heavily on my heart, leaving me feeling feeble and foolish as I confront my reflection. I have endured countless betrayals at your hands, filled with your lies and broken promises.

Every time you apologize, a part of me wants to believe that you will change—that one day, things will improve. Yet, the reality is that they never do.

Section 1.1: The Fear of Letting Go

A fragment of my heart clings to you. Perhaps it's the dread of solitude or the misguided belief that you are my best option. I don't know how to walk away, so I keep forgiving you.

Subsection 1.1.1: Losing Myself

With each act of forgiveness, I seem to lose more of my essence. When I gaze into the mirror, I struggle to recognize the woman who once had the strength to defend herself. It's painful that I can no longer advocate for my own needs.

Chapter 2: The Dream of Freedom

Sometimes, I envision an alternate reality—one where happiness and freedom exist, free from the anxiety of constant heartache. However, each morning I wake up to the same painful truth: I am still here, still forgiving, still suffering.

The second video title is Forgiving Yourself | Jacqueline Hurst - YouTube

Do you realize the depth of my pain? How many sleepless nights I've spent crying? How often I've felt like I am nothing because of you? You likely don’t, and even if you did, would it truly matter?

I recognize that I share the blame. I am the one who continues to forgive and stay. I cannot fault you for exploiting my kindness, yet acknowledging this truth does little to alleviate my hurt. I long for the strength to break free from this cycle.

I wish I could simply walk away and never look back, but fear grips me. The thought of facing loneliness terrifies me, and the idea of starting anew seems insurmountable. I often wonder if this is as good as life can be for me.

Thus, I remain. I keep choosing forgiveness, and with each decision, I feel myself eroding a little more. Piece by piece, I am diminished until I am left with nothing but the person who endlessly forgives.

I am uncertain how to escape this cycle. I don’t know how to cease forgiving you or how to begin forgiving myself. All I feel is pain—a relentless ache that exhausts me. Will I ever find the courage to leave? Will I ever value myself enough to stop this cycle of forgiveness? The uncertainty of my future frightens me more than anything else. If I cannot find that strength, then this will be my existence: eternally forgiving, eternally hurting, eternally hating myself for it.