Chapter 1: The Complexity of Human Experience

Imagine viewing yourself from someone else’s perspective for the first time. In that moment, your darkest thoughts, struggles, and pain are obscured, leaving only the facade you present to the world. Life's profound moments and simple interactions contribute to our intricate identities. Your desires may often feel uncontrollable, and your circumstances can be just as unpredictable. You have constructed a rich tapestry of experiences, layer upon layer, and to be judged in a fleeting instant would be both unjust and inaccurate.

To truly understand human nature and effect positive change, strive first to comprehend. Criticism and judgment of others' decisions can lead to detrimental outcomes.

Recently, while dining in Ho Chi Minh City, I noticed a couple that stirred a comment from someone at the table. The woman was a beautiful young Vietnamese, while her partner was an older white man, dressed in a way that suggested he was anything but subtle. Someone remarked it was unfortunate to see her with someone so seemingly unremarkable. But how could they possibly understand their connection?

Attraction often begins with surface-level traits; it's the only basis we have before deeper characteristics emerge. The initial allure of a crush often fades as we uncover the flaws of the person we idolize, revealing them as another complex human being, just like us.

Relationships can be formed for reasons that don't necessarily involve a deep emotional bond. One may value aesthetics, while another might prioritize financial security. If both parties find satisfaction in their arrangement, how does it concern anyone else?

Is this approach to relationships any different from what most people practice? I would argue it isn’t. Love is not always unconditional, and rising divorce rates certainly don’t position us as experts on relationships in other cultures. If your intentions are transparent, you are already ahead of many.

A few years back, a client confided in me about feeling judged for her relationship. She had gained significant weight, while her husband remained athletic and attractive. After a prolonged period of depression, she struggled to see a way out. Yet, this wasn’t always her reality. To judge their partnership based solely on appearances ignores the nuances of their shared history.

Sometimes, a relationship with a wealthy partner can offer an escape from a difficult situation, especially for those born into challenging environments. Companionship can fulfill the basic human need to avoid loneliness. Are these not valid reasons for connection, especially when one partner is generous? Love manifests in various forms.

If you disagree with their choices, then simply choose not to engage in that dynamic.

Everyone possesses a set of superficial criteria, and it's easier to criticize what you don’t personally endorse. Judgment can come easily when one only glimpses a life that spans decades in mere moments, revealing more about the judge than the judged.

On a different occasion, during a client call, I witnessed the sorrow in a woman’s eyes as she opened up about her secret binge eating. She was candid about consuming large quantities of sweets without restriction. Her honesty was refreshing, as most people embellish their truths to avoid embarrassment. Yet, her health was suffering.

When I asked why she was so forthright, she replied, “I trust you. It’s how you respond. I don’t feel judged by you.”

I, too, grapple with the urge to judge. In an instant, that temptation arises, but it dissipates quickly—not because I am virtuous, but because I recognize my own inner turmoil and understand that everyone grapples with their own battles.

You are acutely aware of your flaws, with a front-row view of every mistake and broken promise. Yet, you only glimpse the curated version of others that they choose to display. You lack the context for another’s suffering, but one truth is certain: it exists. Shame can be suffocating, often leaving us feeling “mortified.”

It is common to mask profound sadness behind laughter, heart emojis, or a convincing smile, yet there often lies an indescribable hurt beneath the surface. When my client expressed her vulnerability, trust blossomed between us. Acknowledging a problem is a courageous step toward resolution.

Have you ever revealed something about yourself and felt a sense of relief when the other person responded with understanding? That reassuring look that communicates, “I understand.”

Overeating may be dismissed as a trivial issue, but it overlooks a deeper emotional need that is often unmet.

If you cannot empathize with another or help facilitate change, it is better to remain silent rather than act as an obstacle.

Don’t allow Hollywood narratives to mislead you—love is not merely an emotion. It is a series of actions.

Our adult behaviors are deeply influenced by our childhood experiences. The way we love is often shaped by the love we witnessed during our formative years. If you observed a parent withhold affection and sulk when their partner failed to meet their expectations, you might see this as a normal aspect of love. Conversely, if you grew up with a distant caregiver, intimacy could feel alien.

Many individuals are unaware that their relationship dynamics are unhealthy because they have no knowledge of healthier alternatives. In my profession, I encounter many who share more than one might expect. Some express frustration, questioning why they desire love yet act in ways that repel it.

It is rare for someone to fully understand themselves, and even rarer to do so with compassion. Life can be a complex puzzle of emotions.

Many of our childlike impulses remain locked within us, and we are still very much our younger selves in adult forms. This should not be feared; rather, it should be understood—a plea for compassion for both ourselves and others. It is challenging to extend to others what you lack within.

You are not merely who you are today; you are the sum of your entire history and experiences, both rational and irrational. The same is true for everyone around you.

True love is not about seeking perfection. Instead, it is about accepting flaws and learning from one another. It’s about recognizing that loving a human being means accepting that they will inevitably disappoint you in ways you wished they wouldn’t, and having the courage to communicate that. How many relationships have crumbled under the weight of unmet and unrealistic expectations?

It is not a question of if you will face disappointment in love, but when. Both you and your partner will stumble, though in different ways. The key lies in your ability to repair the relationship, viewing each other’s missteps not as malice, but as unintentional errors.

Empathy, curiosity, and humility are the fundamental qualities that breathe life into love.

Conclusion

The unfortunate truth is that we are all flawed beings. Yet, the comforting aspect is that we share this planet with billions of others who also falter at times.

Accepting your imperfections can be comforting. No one is without fault. The belief in your own infallibility breeds harsh judgment. It is not only kind but essential to refrain from unfairly judging others.

Much of what you critique in others often stems from their own pain, anxiety, and struggles. Everyone is doing their best with the knowledge they possess.

Let those without sin be the first to cast judgment. I suspect we may be waiting a long time for that.

Chapter 2: The Importance of Self-Reflection

In this video, "Judging Others? Stop It!", we explore the harmful effects of judgment and the importance of empathy and understanding in human relationships.

The second video, "Matthew 7:1-6: Judging Others," delves into the biblical perspective on judgment and encourages viewers to reflect on their own actions and perceptions.

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